musings and memoirs

Thank you, Habi

2008-04-30T16:28:00.011+08:00

It’s three o’clock in the afternoon on a Wednesday and I am nowhere near my workplace, unburdened by work and all the pressure that comes with it – earning money, dealing with difficult colleagues, and just the everyday feat of waking up early and getting by with the humdrum of maintaining a job. Instead, I am sitting on a cozy chair in one of my favorite places with not a single care in the world except the amount of caffeine that my chocolate shake contains.

As I look at the people around me, I wonder if they are as grateful as I am to be here. I wonder if they feel as much profound gratitude as I do for just being here and not anywhere else. Perhaps they do. But as I ponder this, I am feeling quite smug that I am one of the very lucky few who really do have a lot of things to be thankful for.

Thank you, Habi.
Thank you for working extra extra hard so that I can afford to sit on my bum all day and not worry about a thing in the world.

I know that you speak lightly of your difficulties at work but when I look at your tired eyes at the end of the day, I see how hard you try to endure the rigors and grimness of working in a foreign country. I know that no matter how much you enjoy your work, I also know how hard you put up with the stress of working with different people, in every sense of the word.

I know that you speak lightly of your worries of supporting a family but when I look at your concerned eyes when you analyze our bank account, I see that there isn’t a single day that you don’t worry about providing for your family especially now that our little precious is arriving soon. I didn’t tell you but I almost cried when I saw you researching about dog-walking jobs to do on your spare time. How can you even think about dog-walking when your rubber shoes are so old they look like they’re almost decaying (and you’re too self-sacrificing to buy new ones)?

Thank you for all that and more. It has only been a year and a few months since you have ‘pledged your dedication to our family’s welfare’ and you sure have done good on your word.

And while we’re on the subject...
Thank you for making all the appropriate yummy noises when I serve you dinner.
Thank you for not saying anything when you find that you have no ironed shirt to wear.
Thank you for not saying anything when you find that your ‘ironed’ shirts don’t look at all ironed.
Thank you for buying me cakes and chocolates in the middle of the night.
Thank you for offering to buy me the Ikea apple-corer because you knew that it’d make me happy.
Thank you for coming along to every prenatal check-up not because you feel obligated but because you truly want to be with me.
Thank you for putting up with my whining and then saying all the right things to make me feel better. “To everything, there is a season. Remember how happy we were when we were given our gift? The long wait must be terrible on you. But it won’t be long now and we’ll get to hold our bundle of joy. Even though I’m at work, I’m basically alone too. But I find strength in coming home at day’s end...”

Thank you, mahal. It has only been a year and a few months since you have declared your promise of ‘love and fidelity’ and you sure have done good on your word.

If you as a husband is any indication of you as a father, then I truly believe that a lot is in store for Annika and me to be grateful for.

Halfway There!

2008-04-14T22:58:00.002+08:00

In a hospital cafeteria, a couple is enjoying their lunch immensely. Now, what kind of people sincerely enjoy hospital food?!

The disgustingly happy kind, that’s what.

The woman is in deep reverie, already planning her daughter’s baptism.
The man is in tears, already singing ‘Butterfly Kisses’ in his head for his daughter’s wedding.

Yes, they’re having a girl! And more importantly, the 20-week detailed scan showed the baby to be healthy and normal! She’s now measuring 10 inches and weighs around 320 grams.

Nuchal Translucency Scan

2008-02-22T23:38:00.005+08:00

Crown-rump Length: 64.5mm
Gestational Age: 12 weeks + 5 days
EDD by scan: August 31, 2008
Nuchal Translucency: 1.9mm
Fetal anatomy:
Nasal bone: present; Skull/brain: appears normal; Hands: both visible; Feet: both visible

Trisomy 21 (Down’s Syndrome) Adjusted Risk – 1:2548 *
Trisomy 18 (Edward’s Syndrome) + 13 (Patau’s Syndrome) – 1:8739 *
* high risk: >=1:300

Translation: Baby appears to be normal. No further invasive tests needed.

Once again, the power of prayer prevails.

Can we stop holding our breaths now?

End of First Trimester: Keeping Anxiety at Bay Part 2

2008-02-18T19:52:00.007+08:00

This morning’s prenatal check-up was supposed to be the appointment of all appointments that will put a stop to my anxiety. You see, today was the end of my first trimester and all of my books say that once you reach this milestone, the miscarriage rates went down significantly. As in way down. In fact, studies have shown that 95% of all miscarriages occur in the first trimester. That should have made me feel better, right?

Wrong.

We saw our baby all right. Her heart was beating well and good. Her size was just perfect for her gestational age. But why did the sonographer’s attention stay a second too long on some mundane measurement such as the thickness of the skin on her nape? If I hadn’t known better, I would have thought that it was standard procedure to measure that little amount of skin more than once. But to my dismay, I did know better. I knew that something was not quite right with my baby.

True enough, at the doctor’s office we were told that there was the possibility that our baby could have a chromosomal abnormality like Down Syndrome because of the apparent thickness of skin of the back of her neck. To rule it out, we must do more tests. Nuchal translucency scan was scheduled for Friday.

According to the pamphlet given by the doctor, the scan is just a more detailed ultrasound scan that entails a careful examination of the nuchal translucency (thickness of the back of the baby’s neck skin due to the amount of fluid in this layer) and the presence or absence of a nasal bone. Thickened nuchal translucency and the absence of the nasal bone present a higher risk of chromosomal defects.

I thought seeing my baby’s heart beat today will end all my worrying.
But a realization hit me: mothers don’t ever stop worrying, do they?

CRL: 52mm, 11.8 weeks
Corrected EDD: September 2, 2008
GS: 48mm x 61mm x 55mm
Ave. Sac Diameter: 54.7mm
Shape: Normal

My Cup Runneth Over

2008-01-29T14:32:00.012+08:00

I know I'm only on my 9th week but I swear, my cup runneth over!

And I mean this literally!

My measly almost-B cup perkies are now a whopping C and they are spilling over my old bras! Not much difference yet, I know, but my husband is puhleased!

In more important news, I had another prenatal checkup and ultrasound scan yesterday where the doctor assured us that baby is doing fine and then we were handed our baby's first official photo in utero!

CRL: 22mm, 8.9 weeks
Corrected EDD: September 1, 2008
GS: 48mm x 41mm x 29mm
Ave. Sac Diameter: 39.3mm
Shape: Normal

Keeping Anxiety At Bay

2007-12-31T02:03:00.010+08:00

Just when I was starting to soak up the reality of our wonderful blessing, something happened to gently remind us that this wasn’t something that we could do on our own, that we must continue to pray.

I spotted blood for three days. And boy did I pray.

After reading tons of books on ‘implantation bleeding’ and realizing that any spotting that started 17 days post-ovulation was too late to be called such, we rushed to the hospital and had an unfriendly sonographer poke something hard and long into my insides. After what seemed like forever, two words screamed silently at us from the ultrasound scan report: EMPTY UTERUS.

The next several days proved to be the worst days of my life. The hardest part was that I knew too much about what can go wrong. I knew that more than 20% of all pregnancies result in miscarriage. I knew that this could be a chemical pregnancy where the egg was fertilized but didn’t implant or it could very well be an ectopic pregnancy where the fertilized egg implanted but nowhere in the vicinity of the uterus where it should be. And to add to all that, I knew that PCOS patients have a higher-than-normal miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy rates. It was the first time that I hated being well-informed on a subject. All that kept me going were three things: my unflagging faith in Him up there, the love and support of my wonderful husband who held my hand every step of the way, and three months’ supply of progesterone tablets.

But once again, our prayers were mercifully answered. We went for another scan where we saw the tiniest of hearts beating away. My pregnancy was pronounced viable.

Now, if I could just keep this anxiety at bay and not think about the million ways where it can go wrong. After all, it’s really not about me anymore. It’s about a whole new life that I am just 'helping' to create. So the faster I overcome this self-absorbed paranoia and really start to wallow in this glorious happiness that is just brimming to the surface, the better.

Spreading the Good News Part 2

2007-12-27T01:59:00.003+08:00

After recovering from my state of deliriousness, I found time to fulfill my fantasy of spreading the news in style. And so to comply with the way I once told my friends about an unforgettable event in our lives, I wrote this:

Christmas miracle, Filipino couple in
amazement

SINGAPORE: After barely a month since they celebrated their first year anniversary, a lovely Filipino couple is now expecting their first baby. It is believed that the conception occurred sometime around Immaculate Conception--between the 7th and 10th of December of this year, making Mrs. Sexy four weeks and one day knocked up.

Mrs. Sexy, upon discovering two lines on the pregnancy test kit on Christmas morning, woke her husband at 6:30 in the morning who, in his initial shock, almost jumped up and dialled wambadu, wambadu, wambadu.

After consulting with online due date calculators, it has been ascertained that the baby is due on the first week of September 2008.

Mr. and Mrs. Sexy are still in stunned amazement, but they are thankful for the best Christmas gift they have ever received. They believe that this blessing is the perfect cherry to top off their first year of marriage. Despite their misfortune earlier this year (for new members and for those who want to refresh their memories, please turn to http://groups.yahoo.com/group/merlionfamily/message/490
for related story), they consider this year, hands down, the best year of their
lives to date.

Soon-to-be grandparents have been informed and tears have flowed over phone calls and YM chats. The soon-to-be-parents are now in the process of reading all the books that they can get their hands on while waiting for their first prenatal appointment.

The cautiously optimistic couple greatly anticipates the warm welcome that the MerlionFamily will show to its newest and youngest member.

Schedule for the baby shower will be announced second quarter of 2008. For the meantime, prayers for a healthy pregnancy will be greatly appreciated.

Spreading the Good News

2007-12-26T13:45:00.009+08:00

During quiet mornings and long train rides, I often indulged in fantasies to keep my mind from dwelling on bad memories, which it often did when left on its own. I often fantasized about living somewhere in a quiet town somewhere in Italy. My kids would be running around our little vineyard while I would be reading a book in our sunny porch overlooking our flower and herb garden which my husband would be tending to - but that’s another story. Another recurring fantasy I often indulged in was on how I would spread my news of pregnancy in a creative fashion. For my husband, I often practiced in front of the mirror the look of tearful glee that I would wear that would make him cry and jump with joy. For our families, I planned on giving them a whole bunch of positive pregnancy test sticks for Christmas presents. Disgusting, I know, but I knew they would appreciate it.

As it turned out, I never got to use my tearful glee look because I was too stunned to feel anything, let alone try to put on a convincing dramatic face. I never got positives, not even on ovulation sticks and so to see two lines on not one, but four (I had to be sure) pregnancy tests was too incredible to believe.

OK, I’m lying. I knew on Christmas Eve that I was with child. In fact, I don’t think I slept a wink until Christmas morning because I was too excited to pee on a stick. That was how confident I was, not because I haven’t yet learned my lesson after hoping and getting disappointed every month, but because I had great faith. And the Signs kinda helped too.

The minor signs were sore nippies, weepiness, extreme fatigue, and peeing all the time but I had those all the other months so I didn’t think they were a big deal. Heck, I even had more pregnancy symptoms during the months that I was not pregnant.

I chart my cycle every month and when I saw that my fertile days fall on the week of the Immaculate Conception, a seed of hope was planted.
That was Sign #1.

When I learned that Day 14 (the day when I usually start peeing on sticks, which means that this would be the day that we’ll know we’re pregnant if we were) falls on Christmas day, the seed of hope sprouted the first sign of life.
That was Sign #2.

Last month, when I was mourning the arrival of my period, my husband told me this:
"I know deep in my heart that a baby will come, especially when she's this wanted. I'd like to call it our Christmas miracle. I know God is with us, as He's ever been." The leaves started to grow.
That was Sign #3.

During Christmas Eve Mass, the gospel was "Behold, the virgin shall be with child and shall bear a son. They shall call His name Immanuel." And there was a huge poster on top of the altar saying the same words. I knew I was hardly a virgin, but that's when I knew. And that was when our plant bore fruit.
That was Sign #4.

Now, what woman of great faith wouldn’t think that she was knocked up after all those Signs?

Going back to the part about telling my parents, I was too excited and so I just blurted a text message to my brother hinting about it, which was evidently too obvious because he hurriedly told my parents without confirming it with me. I forgave him for he was just as excited as I was. When I phoned them, Mama was speechless with happiness and believe me, that doesn’t happen too often, and Papa was in tears. It was exactly the reaction I was hoping for.

Which was too much to say for my husband’s reaction. He didn’t exactly jump for joy when I told him the news. He just stared at me blankly while I cried. I was ready to forgive him for his reaction, or lack of it, because it was indeed too early to be woken up on a holiday and I knew that he’s not a morning person, but when a few more moments have passed and he was still looking at me with the same blank expression, I was prepared to blow his head off (crazy hormones manifested early). But that was when he admitted that he wasn’t sure if I was crying because it was another negative or if I was crying because it was positive. He thought that pregnancy sticks worked the same way as ovulation sticks where the test line should be as dark as or darker than the control line for them to be positive. And since the test line was indeed very faint, it was an easy mistake to make. We had a good laugh, said a prayer of thanks to the birthday Celebrant who is the reason behind our Christmas Miracle, and then proceeded to celebrate the best Christmas day of our lives to date.

This is our little precious at 4 weeks.

A Day in the Life of a (Feeling) Preggers Housewife - 11dpo

2007-12-21T21:48:00.012+08:00

7:00 - Take basal body temperature (BBT) and then go back to sleep
7:35 - Receive wake-up nuzzle by husband and wake up with a smile
7:40 - Brush teeth, gag, and 'complain' about morning sickness
7:45 - Lovingly prepare baon and breakfast for husband while making gagging motions
7:55 - Enjoy folate-fortified breakfast cereals and pleasant morning conversation with husband
8:20 - Send husband off to work with a kiss
8:25 - Record BBT in fertilityfriend.com
8:30 – Research on luteal phase defect and obsess over BBT chart
9:00 - Take a power nap while listening to Baby Einstein music
11:30 - Wake up fantasizing about cold chicken with patis and calamansi
11:35 - Fantasize over gift-wrapping positive pregnancy test kits to give to parents as Christmas presents
11:43 - Brush teeth, gag, and 'complain' about morning sickness
11:45 - Decide against going out to buy calamansi and decide on tortang talong instead
11:50 - Make tortang talong while drooling in anticipation
12:30 - Devour tortang talong and chicken while justifying it as eating for two
12:43 - Cry over husband's touching email "Apat na araw na lang. Mukhang magaganda naman ang mga senyales ngayong buwan. Hindi man natin ramdam ang Pasko sa nakagawian na nating paraan, marahil ito na ang Paskong hindi natin malilimutan. Mahal na mahal kita."
12:45 - Cry over SATC's Stanford and Marcus getting back together
13:00 - Obsess over past BBT charts and compare with current chart
13:30 - Straighten up bedroom and scrub bathroom floor (read: nesting)
13:45 - Fantasize about riding a plane with a 7-month belly
13:50 - Email husband and reprimand him for jaywalking (My unborn baby needs her daddy!)
14:30 - Watch 'Birth Stories' on Discovery Home & Health and cry each time a baby is born
15:00 - Take a shower and spend ages in front of the mirror poking and probing each breast for any sign of Montgomery's tubercules
15:30 - Head for the library to borrow Shopaholic & Baby and The Diary of a Mad Mom-To-Be
17:30 - Prepare dinner, making sure to include folate-rich vegetables
18:30 - Watch TV while 'complaining' about extreme fatigue
19:00 - Enjoy dinner with husband while gazing lovingly at him and thinking how great he'd be as a father

20:00 - Count remaining pregnancy test kits. Decide that seven kits are not enough and make a mental note to buy more
22:00 - Kiss husband good night and say a quick prayer of thanks to Him who's given you hope to make it through another day no matter how hopeless it sometimes gets

TTC Tips and Tricks

2007-12-05T16:25:00.000+08:00

It's CD 13 and I haven't got fertile mucus! I know it's too much information, but I am completely dry down there! Last cycle I was sopping wet from day 12 until day 15 but now I am drier than Jerry Seinfeld's humor (except for one fluky occurrence on day6)! I think it must have been caused by the cold medicine and the extra Vitamin C I took on days 7 to 9 (some antihistamines and too much Vitamin C are believed to dry up mucus).

I need help!

After a few minutes of googling, here's what I found:

Guaifenesin (the one without the letters after it) - it supposedly helps in thinning cervical mucus to make it more conducive for swimmers. Sperm normally lives up to 4 days in fertile CM but dies in less than 12 hours in a hostile environment.

Green Tea (and at least 8 glasses of water) - the antioxidants in it are supposed to help with cervical mucus quantity.

While we're on the subject, here's my fertility formula** developed after months of research:

Baby Aspirin (low dose aspirin) - With its blood-thinning effect, it helps increase blood flow to the uterus. With a thicker and healthier uterine lining, implantation is more likely to take place.

Vitamin C

Vitamin E

Flaxseed Oil

Vitamin B-Complex plus an extra 50mg of B6 a week before ovulation

GNC Mega Minerals (Calcium, Chromium, Iodine, Iron, Magnesium, Potassium, Zinc)

Folic Acid

Yes, I am a supplement-junkie. I am a GNC member and I am often seen scouring the vitamin aisles of pharmacies. I figured it won't hurt (I've carefully researched the right dosage) and I feel better being proactive about all this. (Now if only I can be more proactive with regards to exercising.)

Ok, I'm off to drink my green tea.

**Disclaimer: This formula has no approved therapeutic effects. Follow at your own risk.

The Little White Pill

2007-11-28T16:24:00.000+08:00

A year ago, I couldn't care less what Clomid is but now, I could recite these facts blindfolded.

▪ It is supposedly the first line drug prescribed for women who don't ovulate regularly.
▪ Doctors usually prescribe 1 tablet of 50mg taken on cycle days 2-6, 3-7, or 5-9. If ovulation does not take place, dosage will then be increased in the next cycles.
▪ The hypothalamus, the pituitary gland, estrogen, GnRH, FSH, and LH are the six crucial elements that have to work together for ovulation to take place. In a nutshell, Clomid interferes with how each of these six work in order to mature and release at least one egg.
▪ Studies suggest that 80% will ovulate and roughly half of that will get pregnant in the first six cycles. Doctors don't recommend further than that as it will do more harm than good.
▪ Rare side effects include, but is not limited to, headaches, tender breasts, mood swings, hot flashes, and dried up mucus.

And after one failed round, here are my facts.
▪ It is the first line drug prescribed when doctors run out of blood tests to run and when it's still too soon to suggest IUI, IVF, ICSI, FET, or any of the other ART acronyms.
▪ I am fortunate enough to be included in the 80%. On my first round I ovulated on day 16, my earliest ovulation since I flushed my pills down the toilet. So far, no luck yet on the roughly half part.
▪ I am on the unfortunate side of the odds when it came to side effects. I have had splitting headaches from Day1, I've cried watching Sex and The City reruns, I've woken up drenched in sweat in the middle of the night (and day), I've winced with excruciating pain when Downied towels graze over my nippies, and I once bit my husband's head off when he was too sleepy to take me to the zoo. Last night after hearing him comment on my crankiness for the nth time (and if you knew my husband, you'd know he's not one to complain), I realized that Clomid must be the culprit. (I'm making it up to him tonight.)

Today is CD6 and, thank heavens, the last day for Clomid.

Here's hoping this round works.

Today I Will Curl Up and Cry

2007-11-23T09:55:00.002+08:00

In November of last year, I wrote in my countdown wedding blog "by this time next year, I'd have a new family to start new traditions with."

One year later, there's still no family to speak of.

One may argue that a married couple is a family. I don't disagree. Especially one as blissfully married as we are. I have been extremely blessed with a husband who is everything I ever dreamed of and more. Perhaps I should be content with that? But I know in my heart that I can't. I am what one might call a late bloomer (if at all) but my maternal instincts developed way before my body did. I knew I wanted to be a mother someday ever since I was old enough to carry my baby brother and my cousins' babies. I was 7.

And when I say family, I'm talking big family with at least 4 kids AND a set of twins. But at the rate we're going, I'd be grateful to have just one.

Three days ago when my BBT was still in the safe vicinity of the luteal phase and my breasts were sore and heavy, I wept and thanked the heavens for the child I was convinced I was carrying.
The next day my temps dropped and I wept again. This time for a reason.
Talk about counting my chickens before the eggs hatched. Or more appropriately, counting my eggs before they were fertilized.

Today is Cycle Day 1. The end of another month of false hopes and false symptoms. The end of another month of googling implantation bleeding and progesterone supplements and of being deceived by delusions of fatigue and morning sickness.

Today is Cycle Day 1, otherwise known as Square One, Drawing Board, Clean Slate, Fresh Start. Like my dear husband said, "I know deep in my heart that a baby will come, especially when she's this wanted. I'd like to call it our Christmas miracle. I know God is with us, as He's ever been."

Tomorrow I will wake up with renewed faith.
Tomorrow I will start with the second round of Clomid and go back to lurking in Clomid Success Stories forums.

But today I will curl up and cry.
And never will I say "by this time next year" ever again.