Keeping Anxiety At Bay

Just when I was starting to soak up the reality of our wonderful blessing, something happened to gently remind us that this wasn’t something that we could do on our own, that we must continue to pray.

I spotted blood for three days. And boy did I pray.

After reading tons of books on ‘implantation bleeding’ and realizing that any spotting that started 17 days post-ovulation was too late to be called such, we rushed to the hospital and had an unfriendly sonographer poke something hard and long into my insides. After what seemed like forever, two words screamed silently at us from the ultrasound scan report: EMPTY UTERUS.

The next several days proved to be the worst days of my life. The hardest part was that I knew too much about what can go wrong. I knew that more than 20% of all pregnancies result in miscarriage. I knew that this could be a chemical pregnancy where the egg was fertilized but didn’t implant or it could very well be an ectopic pregnancy where the fertilized egg implanted but nowhere in the vicinity of the uterus where it should be. And to add to all that, I knew that PCOS patients have a higher-than-normal miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy rates. It was the first time that I hated being well-informed on a subject. All that kept me going were three things: my unflagging faith in Him up there, the love and support of my wonderful husband who held my hand every step of the way, and three months’ supply of progesterone tablets.

But once again, our prayers were mercifully answered. We went for another scan where we saw the tiniest of hearts beating away. My pregnancy was pronounced viable.

Now, if I could just keep this anxiety at bay and not think about the million ways where it can go wrong. After all, it’s really not about me anymore. It’s about a whole new life that I am just 'helping' to create. So the faster I overcome this self-absorbed paranoia and really start to wallow in this glorious happiness that is just brimming to the surface, the better.