Today I Will Curl Up and Cry

In November of last year, I wrote in my countdown wedding blog "by this time next year, I'd have a new family to start new traditions with."


One year later, there's still no family to speak of.

One may argue that a married couple is a family. I don't disagree. Especially one as blissfully married as we are. I have been extremely blessed with a husband who is everything I ever dreamed of and more. Perhaps I should be content with that? But I know in my heart that I can't. I am what one might call a late bloomer (if at all) but my maternal instincts developed way before my body did. I knew I wanted to be a mother someday ever since I was old enough to carry my baby brother and my cousins' babies. I was 7.

And when I say family, I'm talking big family with at least 4 kids AND a set of twins. But at the rate we're going, I'd be grateful to have just one.

Three days ago when my BBT was still in the safe vicinity of the luteal phase and my breasts were sore and heavy, I wept and thanked the heavens for the child I was convinced I was carrying.
The next day my temps dropped and I wept again. This time for a reason.
Talk about counting my chickens before the eggs hatched. Or more appropriately, counting my eggs before they were fertilized.

Today is Cycle Day 1. The end of another month of false hopes and false symptoms. The end of another month of googling implantation bleeding and progesterone supplements and of being deceived by delusions of fatigue and morning sickness.

Today is Cycle Day 1, otherwise known as Square One, Drawing Board, Clean Slate, Fresh Start. Like my dear husband said, "I know deep in my heart that a baby will come, especially when she's this wanted. I'd like to call it our Christmas miracle. I know God is with us, as He's ever been."

Tomorrow I will wake up with renewed faith.
Tomorrow I will start with the second round of Clomid and go back to lurking in Clomid Success Stories forums.

But today I will curl up and cry.
And never will I say "by this time next year" ever again.